In this number, I recovered quite a lot of jokes on Internet (sorry for addresses, I didn't note them). To say truly, I have so much that I am going to keep some for the next times. These are classified by theme :
1 - JOKES ON ANIMALS
It is a brave woman has that one offered a parrot. It is a superb animal, he/it speaks very well. Only shade to the picture : he/it speaks without stop. She/it has beautiful to cover the cage the bestiau makes as much boucan always. Then there not holding anymore she/it catches his/her/its fowl and speed along at a specialist of parrots. She says him : it is too luxuriant, he speaks and sing day and night, I am not able to the supporter anymore. The doctor examines the bird then it said has the lady : it is the first time that I see such a case. I am going to prescribe you something but the result is not guaranteed. He/it makes him his/her/its order and precise : it is suppositories you manage him one morning and evening of it during 2 days. The woman follows orders has the letter and in fact the result is the : the parrot doesn't say only one word anymore. In the beginning she/it finds that relaxing but at the end of one week she/it gets worried. She/it returns to see the specialist. Doctor it is necessary to make something he/it doesn't speak at all ! After exam the doctor is perplexed.
- You know your parrot is indeed a case clinic ! I am not able to anything but you should go to an oiseleur, buy the most beautiful female that you will find, put the in his/her/its cage and you will see that to seduce it him reparlera as before.
She is going to buy the most beautiful female therefore (that costs her a fortune) and come in the evening she/it puts it in the cage and hide herself to supervise.
The female struts about around the male, the one here stoical on his/her/its perch doesn't flinch. She/it redoubles his/her/its effort of seduction. In vain. she/it approaches of the male and tells it : well what, don't I please you ? The parrot puts the tip of its wing owing its beak and all whisper mildly :
- Hush, here if you speak, one fucks you !
The lion is a very conceited animal. One day that he goes for a walk in the savanna, he calls the antelope :
- Hey, you, the antelope, who that is the king of the savanna ?
- Oh, it is you, the lion, that, for sure - answers the frail terrorized animal.
The lion struts and, puffed up of pride, pursues his/her/its road. He/it falls on the giraffe and launch him :
- Hello, up there, who that is the king of the savanna ?
- You, well evidently - answers the giraffe who nearly stutters some of fear.
Then there, the lion doesn't feel anymore. To such point that, passer-by before the elephant, he/it takes him the desire to test his/her/its prestige :
- Hey you, the fat guy, you know who is the king of the savanna ?
The elephant, not very happy that a so little beast addresses himself on this tone, catches the lion by the tail and projects it to 30 meters of there, in a pool of mud.
Groggy, the lion straightens himself and spear to the address of the pachyderm :
- Hey well what ? Does one can more even to inform itself ?
An English group arrives in the bush to hunt monkeys, it hires a professional hunter who indicates them how it is going to happen :
The hunter : one arranges a rifle, a rope and a trained dog to bite testicles. At the time of hunt to monkeys I will go in the tree where are monkeys and I will shake the tree to make fall monkeys, then the dog will be going to bite testicles of the beast fallen on the floor and you just will have to attach the monkey with the rope. Did everybody understand ?
A speechless English : but to what the rifle does serve in this case ?
The hunter : When I go up in the tree, if it is the monkey that makes me fall, KILL THE DOG !
A dad elephant goes for a walk on a beach of naturists with his/her/its son... the young elephanteau asks has his/her/its father :
- But how make them to drink with an as small horn ?
A cow browses in a meadow and sees in the herb a glove :
- Hold, she says, a bra...
What is the difference between turtles and hamsters ?
Turtles don't have need that one puts them some Scotch tape.
That happens in the Jungle. A small mouse falls in a hole, it has beautiful to debate itself in all senses, it doesn't arrive has take out the hole. It gets has shout of strongest that it can... A lion who passed by there hears him to shout, approach, and propose him to come him in help. He/it tells it : " I am going to put my tail in the hole, you cling to my tail, and I am going to extricate you ". Says as soon as, makes as soon as, the small mouse comes out of the hole without problem. She/it thanks the lion, and they leave each of quoted them. A few later, the lion falls in a hole (thicker evidently). He can come as out of the hole. He/it starts shouting, and the small mouse who passed by hears it to him. She/it tells it : ") I am going to make as you, I am going to put my tail in the hole, you cling, and I am going to pull ". Says as soon as, makes as soon as, but evidently, that doesn't work.
The small mouse says then : no problem, I am not going to take my portable telephone, I pass a phone call has my buddy leelephant, and he/it is going to get out from there ". A few later the elephant arrives, puts his/her/its horn in the hole, and the fate of the hole.
Morality : When you have a small tail, it is worth to have a portable telephone better !
A farmer Americain decides to enlarge his/her/its raising of hen. He/it is going to be necessary therefore that he/it goes to the market to buy a new rooster. Once there, he/it starts the conversation with a seller. This one tells it that he/it has a rooster who is a gold business. The ever seen. Performance insured. Evidently, Randy (because it is his/her/its name) is dearer than a plain rooster : $50. Our fellow hesitates a lot, but decides finally and hire the $50.
Back to the farm, the farmer is very impatient to see how includes himself Randy. He/it transports it therefore toward the hen house, the fate of his/her/its cage, and then there the farmer is witness of an incredible scene. Randy begins to " to work " all hens, the some after others. It is a real festival. He/it doesn't stop. Feathers fly in all senses. Hens wonder what arrives them.
Two hours later, Randy is to the task again. The peasant is satisfied very of his/her/its investment, even though this performance is a little troubling. And he/it was right to get worried. After, Randy leaves the hen house and head straight ahead toward the enclosure of pigs. And it is left for a tour. Howlings, etc. Then it is the tour of female rabbits, of horses, of the dog...
Randy doesn't stop. It is day and night. 24h/24.
The farm is over-under sense.
The farmer is very worried. How can he/it hold ? He/it is going to slap that is not possible. The time passes. Randy doesn't seem to want to stop, and honor everything that moves absolutely. Three days later, the farmer wakes up the morning, but remark that all is quiet. Not a noise. Intrigued, he/it heads toward the window, and see Randy, to the middle of the court, paws in air. Vultures turn in the sky.
") That is there, he/it slapped " says himself the farmer. He/it heads toward Randy. His/her/its eyes his/her/its enclosed, not of breathing.
To insure that he/it is beautiful and very dead, he/it moves it with his/her/its foot. At that moment, Randy opens eyes and says : " Break you fool, you don't see that these vultures are coming closer !!
A boy is digging a hole in his/her/its garden. The neighbor who sees it to the work asks him :
- Salute neighbor, is it why this hole ?
The other answers :
- It is to bury my canary who died.
- Oh... I am afflicted. But that seems to me a very big hole to be for one so small beast, don't you find ?
- Well, it is because my canary is inside your fucking cat !
2 - JOKES ON BLONDS
- Reason is this interesting to have a blond passenger ?
- To be able to park on rooms for handicaped persons.
- Why don't blonds eat any bananas ?
- They don't find the closing lightning.
- What is the difference between a blond and a ball of bowling ?
- One only puts 3 fingers in a ball of bowling.
It is a blond of the East, a Polish, that goes to the post office in an all small village, in the intention to send a message to his/her/its parents remained in country. She/it has just arrived, and speak pain the French again, however, she/it arrives nevertheless to make understand itself/themselves of the postman :
The postman tells it :
- For Poland, that will make you 1000 FFS.
She/it exclaims :
- But I don't have as much money... And it is ABSOLUTELY necessary that I send this message to my mother in Poland !!!! I will make WHATEVER for that !!!!
The postman says :
- Whatever ?
And the blond answers :
- Yes, whatever !
Then the postman answers him to follow it in the rear room. He/it closes the door behind her, then he/it tells it :
- Put yourselves on the knees (what she/it makes)
- Take down my fly (what she/it makes)
- Take out it of my trousers (she/it takes him the penis between hands)
- Go, now you can go there !...
Then the blond advances his/her/its mouth... then she/it says :
- HELLO, MOM ? Do YOU HEAR ME ?
Then it is a blond who gives back visit to his/her/its blond friend. But the friend has two thick bandagings, one on every ear.
- Oh say what therefore arrived you ?
- Well, it is all silly. The other day, whereas I was making my ironing while looking on TV at Santa Barbara, the telephone sounded... and instead of to pick up my telephone, I picked up my iron to iron !
- Oh the her, that is what has you to have it pain. But say me, and the other ear ?
- Well, after me wanted to call the physician...
- How can you know a blond so to used the computer ?
- The joystick is wet.
- Why the deaf blonds himself sit them on the newspaper ?
- To try to read on lips.
- How know yourselves that a blond to opened your frigo ?
- There are lipsticks on comcombreses.
- How calls one a blond who has a thick brain like a pea ?
- A lucky.
- Where is the smallest jail of the world ?
- In a blond's head, there is only a cell.
3 - JOKES ON CORSICA
How do the Corsican reproduce ?
The man shakes himself/itself on the table, flies make the remainder...
A Corsican, stretched out under a tree, demand to his/her/its buddy, stretched out not far of him :
- Say, is my fly opened ?
The buddy, seer the fly of the other, answers :
And the first Corsican decides :
- Too bad, I will piss tomorrow.
- What proves that Claude Francois was not Corsican ?
- Saw yourself already a Corsican to die with a bulb in the hand ?
- Why Corsica are they small ?
- When they were children one told them : " when you will be big, you will be going to work "
A tourist goes for a walk on a small road of Corsica. He/it sees a old man, visibly autochthonous, that makes the hitchhiking. Anxious to get well with islanders, he/it stops. The old man puts him an enormous blunderbuss under the nose :
- Takes down car !
Petrified, the tourist executes himself. The continuous old man :
- Lowers your trousers !
- Forgiveness ?
- I said lowers your trousers !
Once again the tourist executes himself.
- Shakes you !
- Ah no ! There, you exaggerate !
- I said shakes you ! First summons !
BANG ! The old man pulls in air ! Terrified, the tourist gets has the work therefore. That doesn't go seen conditions very quickly but in short... When he/it begins has close again his/her/its fly, the old man perseveres :
- Restarts !
- Listen, you exaggerate ! I think that...
- Second summons ! BANG !
Calmly, the old man reloads his/her/its blunderbuss while the tourist, laboriously, puts back himself to the action. At the end of a (thick) quarter of hour, his/her/its small made business, the tourist asks if he/it can leave.
- Restarts !
- The I can more, kill me if you want, I am not able to some anymore (and visibly, he/it is not able to some more).
The old man turns around then toward covered it, of where takes out a damsel. He/it tells it :
- It is good my girl, you can go there this time, the gentleman is going to behave to the village...
Two Corsican peasants, a man and his/her/its wife come down from their village with a donkey on which is loads their production to sell it to the walks of the city. Sudden the donkey stops then clean the man is going to see to see it, watches it right in eyes and says it : " Once !!!.
Some times later whereas the city is in view the donkey stops again. The man re-watches at it in eyes and tells it : " TWO TIMES ".
Whereas the entrance of the city is only has some meters the donkey stops clean once again. The man re-re-watches at it in eyes and tells it : " THREE TIMES ". He/it leaves are then revolver and puts him a bullet in the head.
The woman gets excited then after his/her/its husband : " But in short as goes one to now make to cross the city and to go up again to the village " ?.
The man answers him : " Once !!!...
4 - JOKES ON THE LADAS
- How calls one a LADA in top of a hill ?
- A miracle !
- How recognizes one a LADA sport ?
- The driver carries a training.
- To what do the red lines serve on the rear window of a LADA ?
- To warm the hands when one pushes it.
- How recognizes one a LADA sport ?
- There is a bullet of tennis on the ball of the harnessing.
- How to double the value of a LADA ?
- To make the full of fuel.
- How to recover pieces detached for his/her/its LADA ?
- He/it is sufficient to follow one of it.
- To what does the fourth pedal serve on a LADA ?
- To inflate the air bag.
- To how many people does it need to construct a LADA ?
- 2 people, one to bend, one to glue.
- How calls one a LADA with a sunroof ?
- A trash can.
A LADA it is well... a car it is better !
- When you see a LADA in one thousand pieces on the quoted bottom, what happened ?
- It is the driver's GSM that sounded... in position vibreur.
- How much time does a Lada remain to the technical control ?
- Two hours, the time to arrive there and to calm the giggle of the mechanic and customers.
A Lada meets a dung of cow in a field :
The Dung : hello, are you what you ?
The Lada : well me chuis a car.
The Dung : it is that ouaih and me chuis a pizza...
- What is the difference in bed between two guys in a Lada to 120 Km/hs and two homosexual ?
- Guys in the Lada are all the two in the shit.
5 - JOKES FOR ADULTS
It is a girl who goes limps some to find a guy. She/it arrives, look for the guy of his/her/its dream and the reference mark on the track of dance, she/it approaches looks for it a little and at the end of a small moment the guy decides has land it. The guy is Italian and rather beautiful youngster. He/it takes the girl has the hotel. They undress all the two and he/it puts a condom (the girl tells " herself/itself Ha, well he is serious ") then a second (strange ") then three, four and in short five (" indeed very strange ") then the guy glues himself/itself a crowbar on the nose... The girl doesn't hold there more and ask him : " good, tops, that passes again; but the crowbar has linen ! are you barge or what ??? The guy : " My no, but ye doesn't support the odor of the burnt rubber !!! "
It is the history of a married couple since 10 years. The woman is bored very (there is of what) because his/her/its husband could never have had a raising. One day worn out, she/it decides to be going to see the pharmacist and explain him his/her/its problem, answer of the pharmacist, :
- But no problem lady, with progress of medicine you can be calm, I am going to give you »un produces fantastically efficient. Here, it is odorless, colorless and I counsel you to mix it to your husband's favorite foods. You won't be disappointed !
She/it goes in at home all excited !
- Love, that want you to eat to-night ?
- Frankfurter-French fries would make me very pleasure love ! (Boredom of lady, how to put the product in frankfurters... bah since 10 years that that lasts, one night besides or of less... no matter...)
- Cheriiiiiieee, bring me mustard with the s.t.ps frankfurters. Mustard, mustard, veiled our lady all excited, it pours the totality of the small bottle in the pot of mustard, move (odorless, colorless) carries the pot of mustard then to his/her/its husband returns himself of it to his/her/its furnaces.
- HAHAHAHAHAHA !!! Cheeeriiiieee ! Come to see, as soon as I put mustard on my frankfurter she/it flew in the ass of the dog !
It is in Dakar that that happens, on nudist's beach. Two European pussycats tan themselves to hair on the beach and a black ephebe bathes himself under their haggard looks. They only wait for a thing; that the beautiful male leaves, history to see if the legend that wants that blacks are very membres is founded. Then the black ends up leaving. He/it has water until the size. The two girls subdue to pull itself/themselves eyes of it. As the black comes out of water, his/her/its sex appears. He/it has water until mi-thigh and one doesn't always see the extremity of the rolling pin. Girls are beatific of admiration. When the black has water until knees and that the extremity of his/her/its column doesn't always appear, pussycats have a touched thought for his/her/its poor companion.
And when him of water until the peg without that the acorn appeared, there, they are frankly hilarious. Noticing it, the beautiful ephebe launches them :
- Hey well what, it is normal that she/it is all small with this cold water...
It is a boy who really not raises a bitch dear. They go up in his/her/its cheeps and the she/it begins has remove a false breast, his/her/its denture, his/her/its eye of glass, his/her/its wig (blond)... then the boy clears off. She/it shouts him :
- Hey ! or do you go ?
- I go in at home, I forgot my tail in another trousers !
Three pals discuss the way of which them himself takes there to make what I mean to say with women.
- Me, said the first, I start with caressing them mildly and tenderly in the neck, I can take down the long of the backbone while doing of the small kisses. They bawl, but you would see as they bawl !
- Me, made the second, I kiss them on the front, while starting with the chest. I finger nibardses, I continue until the bottom. But she/it bawls ! If you saw as they bawl !
- It is something else at me, said the last. I take them, and then crack : a stroke, a stroke behind, and I wipe myself in curtains. They bawl, but they bawl !!!
- Did you hear that Dorothee it is burnt the face ?
- Ah good, and how ?
- She/it sucked Captain Flam !!!
An old spermatozo´de that had never met any ovums during his/her/its long life, had some laughs of this situation and would want to know the love well before dying. Unfortunately, to every exit, his/her/its young more vigorous fellows arrived to the goal before him.
- To " let me to pass before " !, he/it enacted one day or he/it was not able to some anymore.
Others, rather selfish, made some only to their suckle (and their tails !) in the beginning. Then one day, they gave up :
- " OK, the next times will let you pass us before " said them in chorus.
The big day arrives, and our spermatozo´de all proud, takes suckles it of the convoy. Sudden, he/it slows down the pace to finally stop. Others, behind, all excited didn't understand this sudden stop and a hustle began to be born.
- Don't " push !, says the old spermatozo´de, " it is the shit " !.
Then it is three brothers who find that they have a too small bite. To remedy this state of fact, they go together to the doctor who recommends them of pills to take 1 fois/jour during one month and to come back to see them the following month.
The following month, in the Doctor's cabinet, :
- Then, that it passed well ? - asks the Doctor.
- Very well - makes the first brother - I made as you said : a pill per day and now I have a good thick bite; my friend is to angels.
- Perfect. And you - makes the doctor while addressing itself/themselves to the 2nd brother.
- Me, brilliant. As I wanted a very thick of it, I took pills 3 by 3 and there, I have one of 35cm of it. It is the ecstasy !
- Very well. But, say me, I don't see your 3th brother. Didn't he/it come ?
- If - makes one of brothers - but him, he/it wanted a monstrous bite, then he/it took all pills since the first day.
- Yes. And then ? That doesn't explain me where he/it is.
- Well, on time that he/it is, he/it must be operating in the passageway...
A well undermined guy goes up in a train. He/it walks in the passageway and arrive before a compartment or two women are sat.
- Excuse me ladies, but that does disturb you if I get settled in front of you ?
- But not at all gentleman, I pray of it to you, make therefore... The boy gets settled therefore, and he immerses himself/itself in the reading of a book. Then, at the end of one moment, the v'la you there not that he/it undoes his/her/its fly, fate his/her/its three pieces kitchen and masturbate. Arrive has his/her/its ends, he/it wipes himself/itself appropriately with a handkerchief in silk, and himself replonge in his/her/its book. Then, some minutes later, he/it takes out a pipe of his/her/its pocket, the wadding of tobacco, and address himself to ladies while telling them :
- That you gene if I smoke ?
It is 2 friends who are wholes, and the first present his/her/its superb doll inflatable secretary has his/her/its pal :
") it is too brilliant, this doll is able all to make, the hold of note, the writing of letters etc... and level sex she/it is excellent " the second answers :
") waits, it is necessary that I try, I borrow him to you and brings back it to you in succession "
The guy leaves in the piece has quotes, one moment happens and one waits for a horrible shout of pain, and the the first said :
") to the fact, the mouth makes sharpener " !
It is a small girl who is going to give his/her/its blood to the center of transfusion. She/it enters and the nurse asks him :
- Then my small you came to give your blood ?
- Yes lady.
The nurse makes him then the hold of blood gives him a small sandwich to the tuna. The small as eating his/her/its break-tile watches in the piece has quotes. She/it sees men who guzzle themselves to surroundings of innumerable dishes of butcher's shop, sofas and pastries there.
- Mrs. why them there full z'on has eat and not me ?
- You see my small them it is donors of semen and as it is not easy to have tried some to attract them like that, you understand.
- Yes lady.
Two weeks after the small come back to the center.
- Then my small you came to give your blood.
- Hummm Hummm (says the small while doing no of the head and while closing the mouth well)
It is a boy who lost everything. Of the stroke he/it wants to put end has his/her/its life. For that to make, he/it goes up to the 2 emes floor of tower eiffel and step over the balustrade. To the moment or he/it is going to spring, a man keeps it :
- Mr., gentleman, don't make that !
- I have some laughs, I have all paume, my woman cleared off.
- It is not serious, I am the Father Christmas, I am going to give you 4 of women of them.
The reflexive guy.
- Yes but I have more appart, or am I going to put them my 4 women ?
- I am the FATHER CHRISTMAS, I am going to give you 4 appartses in the 16th
The reflexive guy again...
- Do I have one more under how I am going to maintain them ?
- I told it to you, I am Christmas dad, I would give you 4 millions of francs.
- Good okay I don't jump !!!
- I would give you all that, but before is necessary to make me a small tinkers !
- Thin, it is that I have make that ever me !!! in short shit, 4 women... 4 appartses... .4 millions... Too bad I rush ! And the boy makes tinkers it to the Christmas father. When he/it finished, the Christmas dad asks him :
- Mr., what age do you have ?
- 40 years, why ?
- And has 40 years you believe to the Christmas father again ?
It is Jean and Marie who are in the process of crack-cracquer. Marie is very chiante and don't stop to put the question :
- Oh, my love, how goes one to call our baby ?
Jean doesn't have the head indeed has think there :
- ' don't know, decree...
- but if, how goes one the appeller ?
- stops, I arrive there...
- go, Jean, how...
- Ouh ! (he/it arrives there)
- Han ! (he/it retires)
- Squit ! (he/it removes the condom)
- Squit, squit, squit, (he/it makes a knot)
as bringing up the packet has Marie :
- If he/it leaves of has him one is going to call him McGyver...
It is two vampires lesbians who are about to leave itself/themselves. Of it has a that tells the other of it :
- Has in 28 days.
Two women discuss together :
- Smoke you after the love ?
- I don't know, I never watched.
What is the difference between a prostitute and a thick prostitute ?
The prostitute sucks and makes fuck itself/themselves whereas the thick prostitute has herself/itself fucked then she sucks.
It is 3 buddies that discuss the reincarnation after a watered meal :
The first : me I would like to be reincarnated in lion for his/her/its strength.
The second : me in cat to sleep and to make caress me all the time.
The third : me in lobster because same dead one continues to suck you the tail !!
A man is lost right in the middle of the Chinese countryside. It makes three weeks that he/it didn't eat anything, and he/it is obliged to sleep outside. One afternoon or he/it wandered in a wood in search of something to eat, he/it sees a freestanding house. However, smoke that escapes of the chimney indicates him that it is lived. The man hits has the door. An old man opens him and tells it : " What do you " want ? The man says : " I am lost since 3 weeks and I didn't either eat if little since this time. You would be an extreme goodness if you permitted me to eat a little and to sleep to-night at home... The old Chinese answers him : " I accept to a condition : On no account you should not look for to see my granddaughter ". The exhausted man and starved accepts immediately : " I promise to respect my word, and to leave of here since tomorrow morning " The old Chinese answers : " It is good. But if I catch you to turn around my granddaughter, I will make you undergo the 3 worse tortures that he/it is possible to make a " okay, okay " man " said our man undergo while finally entering in the house.
At the same time he/it wonders what way of woman is capable to live so in full forest with his/her/its grandfather for only company... The man starts therefore with taking a bath, then he descends to eat. It is to this moment that he/it meets the prettiest girl of all the China... So that of all the meal, he/it cannot leave of eyes this jewel that is the old man small girl.... Evidently, during the night, our man doesn't manage to hold his/her/its promise : He/it introduces in the girl's room (that had let him his/her/its open door) and all two benefit of a little good time. Then, our man goes in in his/her/its room to sleep. He/it thinks : " After what I have just lived, tortures that this old man would want to inflict don't weigh me heavy... In the small hours, the man wakes up while feeling a terrifying weight on the chest. He/it opens eyes and sees that an enormous stone put him on the trunk. On the stone a paper says : " First Chinese torture : A weight of 50 kg on the chest " The man thinks " What ! that the worse Chinese torture ! Let me to laugh ". Then he/it rises, go to the window of the room, open the window and throw the stone outside. Just as he/it throws the stone, he/it can read the paper that was put of the other quoted of the stone and that says : " 2th Chinese torture : Attached Pierre to the right " testicle The man says himself/itself in a lightning : " Me me in madmen, it is not so high that that, I jump with the stone ".... and to the moment or him himself defenestre, he/it sees the third tip of paper that says : " 3th Chinese torture : Left testicle hung to the foot of the bed ".
A guy in a public toilets sees his/her/its neighbor's tail, a black rather balaise, and that measures in the 22 cm. The black, seer his/her/its envious look, says it :
- Want yourself a similar of it ?
- Well yes.
- All mornings pull over over during ten minutes and slaps with a hammer during ten other minutes.
Three months later they cross themselves in the street and the black asks of a for your rigolard :
- Did that work then ?
- Euh for the length no but for the color yes.
A small boy goes in in the room of his/her/its parents without hitting to the door and sees them making the love.
- Dad, mom whom do you make ?
- heuuuuu... one makes you a small brother !
And the ptit boy leaves, satisfied of this answer. Another evening, the small boy restarts... between all over again without hitting to the door and surprises his/her/its parents making a 69 !
- Dad, mom whom do you make there ?
- heuuuu... one makes you a small sister !
Some time after... same script... but there, mom is to 4 paws and dad is behind her. This time the little boy doesn't say anything, close again the door discreetly and move away the smile to lips...
- Great I am going to even have a little dog !!
A good sister is taken in hitchhiking by a play-boy. They roll in the countryside when the good sister, surprise, sees a bull gone up on a cow.
") What do they make " ?, demand her, curious.
Embarrassed, the play-boy answers : " well... they make crepes " !
The continuous walk and the good sister, always stunned, surprise a horse and a mare in the same position.
") What do they make " ?
The play-boy answers : " well them as they make crepes " !
The good sister : " say, us as one will be able to make crepes " ?
The play-boy, certainly constrained, accept.
Later, the good sister goes in to the convent and reveal, to the superior mother : " My mother ! My mother ! I made crepes ! I made crepes ! See, besides he/it remains me again of butter " !.
It is a guy that enters in a pharmacy and says I would want a limps of top svp, then the pharmacist answers him :
- Ah listen to that depends, that goes from the dodoche to rolls royce !
Then the guy answers :
- Hey well for me that will rather be 4x4, it is to go in the shit !!!
6 - VARIOUS JOKES
The boss of an enterprise has just hired a man, which must present himself to work the Monday. The Monday morning, the man phones and says :
- I am sick.
The boss excuses him and, the Tuesday morning, the new employee arrives and work so well the remaining of the week that he wins the respect of everybody. The following Monday, he/it phones :
- I am sick.
The boss excuses him once again, no without noting that that makes the second Monday that he makes him the stroke. The type arrives the Tuesday morning and work all the remaining of the even better week that the previous week. The following Monday, the type phones :
- I am sick.
The boss excuses him but takes note to convene it the following day morning. The Tuesday morning the type arrives and is immediately convened in the boss's office.
- Listen, you are an excellent employee, I don't absolutely have to complain about of you, but this is not more possible. You cannot be sick all Monday.
- It is that, see yourselves, my sister made a very bad marriage and I have the habit to pass at home all Mondays morning before being going to work to comfort it. A thing leading has the other, we end up making the love all day long.
- With your sister, but it is disgusting !
- I had told you that I was sick !
A guy goes in at home and call his/her/its wife :
- Love, prepare your luggages, I won 50 millions to the lotto !
- What business do I take ? Been either winter ?
- The two, you break yourself !
- Why do fans of the PSG have them hands all smooth ?
- Because it makes three months that they rub themselves them while saying " the next match, one wins " it !
Two police make a round has Brooklyn, when they notice a shape between two trash cans :
- Saw yourself, it is a black !
- Hey, but he/it died !
- Watches, he/it has at least 30 marks of knife strokes in the back !
- Oh there there, it is the most horrible suicide that I ever saw !
A father and his/her/its son (kind 8-10 years) are in a bar. The father buys a packet of cigarettes and begin to smoke.
") Dad, can I smoke me also " ?
") Son, can your bite reach your hole of the ass " ?
") euh... no "
here, you have your answer "
Then the father orders a glass of Whisky and starts drinking.
") Dad, can I drink a little if he/it pleases " you ?
") Son, can your bite reach your hole of the ass " ?
") bah... no "
here, you have your answer "
After, the father buys a ticket of thing that one scrapes and that one can win coins if one has luck. He/it scrapes, he/it doesn't have any luck then he/it loses.
") Dad, me as I can buy a ticket of thing that one scrapes and who has money won if one has luck " ?
Not seeing any objections, the father answers :
") yes son "
The kid scrapes and BAM ! 200 000 francs !
") Very son, do I hope that you are going to share with me " ?
") Dad, can your bite reach your hole of the ass " ?
") Yes, well on son " !
Fuck you " then with " !
It is a lumberman's history that cuts wood for the winter. AN Indian passes by there and the lumberman asks him :
- " The winter will he/it be cold, big Indian " chief ?
- Yes, HUGH ! very cold winter.
Then the lumberman puts back himself/itself to cut more beautiful wood. The following day, the Indian irons by there and the lumberman asks him if the winter will be indeed as cold that one says it.
The Indian answers : " Yes, HUGH ! Very rigorous winter... Then the lumberman takes his/her/its saw and cut a mountain of wood. The following day, the Indian irons while saying " Winter very, very rigorous ".
The intrigued lumberman, asks him :
- But in short, say me how you guess that the winter will be very cold.
He/it answers him :
- At home, one has a byword : When the white man cuts wood, it is that the winter is going to be cold !
A man enters in a taxicab and demand to the driver : - Drive me to the city hall. Immediately the taxicab gets under way but arrived to a red light this one once accelerates and pass in whirlwind owing the other cars.
- Are you mad says the man or did you learn to drive like that ?
- In my family answers the driver one drives all like that.
As telling these words the taxicab arrives to another red light. Once again the driver accelerates and pass before the other cars producing some huge accidents thus behind him.
- The man shouts : you are going to kill us !!
To this instant the taxicab arrives to a green light and the driver instead of to pass brakes brutally.
- You are completely nutcase says the man. You pass when fire is red but if it is green you stop !
- Well on says the driver. I don't want to take risk. My father could pass.
- The difference between the PSG and a taxicab ?
- The taxicab cannot take more of four of them.
A Black addresses himself to God :
- God, why am I black ?
And God answers :
- It is so that you can hunt better during the night in the African forest, that you confound yourself thus with the obscurity; it is also because of the sun of Africa, your color protects of it to you.
- God, something else again, why are my hairs frizzy ?
- Nothing is made at random, my son. This hair, when you run in the bush, she/it ever clings anywhere, it is important.
- Well, makes the Black, but say me, God, why I was born then has Teals ?
Two children of six years discuss together... a says to the other :
- Hey, this morning, I have finds a top in the verandah.
And the other answers him :
- That what is a verandah ?
A girl of ten years takes a shower with his/her/its eldest sister of 16 years. Is it the first time that she/it sees it high cloud and does all surprise ask him ?
- Is it normal these hairs the ?
- Well yeah, you will see in some years you in auras also.
- And it is not bothersome to make the love ?
Dialogue between a small boy and a small girl :
- Say, demand the small boy to the small girl, do you allow me to put my small finger in your navel ?
- Bah, euh, yes.
- Hey ! but it is not my navel !!
- Oh, it is not serious !, it is not my small finger no more.
It is a guy that is on the Titanic, during the wreck. Then he/it sees a rowboat, throw it to water, and get ready to jump in... Appears then the captain, who shouts him :
- Hey that is what you make ! There are some on board women again !
And the other to answer :
- Ah ! well euh if you believe that it is the moment to think about that !
It is the history of the small Patrick, a lone child that doesn't have for friend that his/her/its Baba dog. The day or take place this Baba history dies crushes. Patrick's mother doesn't know how to announce this news how has his/her/its son that is going to bring in the school soon. She/it decides to prepare him a good snack to comfort it then. Arrive once has the house, Patrick eats gladly. His/her/its mother announces him then the terrifying news :
- You know, Baba died.
The child doesn't react and continuous to eat. Once he/it finished he/it says :
- Good, now I am going to play with Baba.
His/her/its mother answers him :
- But I have just told yourself that Baba had died.
The child gets then has cry, has roll itself/themselves on soil. A true crisis of tears ! His/her/its mother takes it in his/her/its arms to comfort it and ask him :
- But in short ! Why didn't you react all has the hour when I told you that Baba had died ?
The then said child while sobbing :
- I had understood " Dad ".
It is a General that inspects different regiments. He/it arrives before the one of infantrymen.
- Soldier ! To what does this rifle serve ? howl the General.
- To execute, my General !
The General is a proud, and continuous trifle his/her/its round. He/it passes before the artillery.
- Soldier ! To what does this cannon serve ?
- To canonner, my General !
Bug, what he/it trust our chief... But good, is necessary that he/it remains serious. Him deboule before the regiment of chariots, or are by chance some simplistic (as me...).
- Soldier ! To what does this tank serve ?
- To tankuler, my general !
- Know yourselves what is the difference between a civil servant and an unemployed person ?
- An unemployed person, him, already worked.
One evening a said type has his/her/its woman whom it wants to leave to be going to go for a walk and the one tells it here :
- You are going to go to the tavern and being drunk again with your pals ! He/it answers her that no and that he/it wants to make an exit rightly. He/it finally manages to convince his wife and while taking out meeting one of his pals, that manages to convince it to be going to have a drink with him to the tavern, or all his/her/its pals wait for him. After some glasses he/it says :
- Is necessary that I either bring in my woman is going to kill me !
But he/it is so torche that he/it comes out of the tavern while crawling. He/it crawls in the street, in his/her/its staircases and arrive before his/her/its door after a superhuman effort. He/it puts the key in the door and arrive in bed with the biggest silence or his/her/its wife already sleeps. He/it manages to be going to bed without waking up his/her/its wife and falls asleep while thinking that his/her/its wife didn't notice anything. He/it wakes up the following day with the hangover but convinced that his/her/its wife didn't see anything. His/her/its wife arrives then while bawling in the room and says :
- Are you brings in wadding again last night !
- No ,non I am doesn't bring in wadding, why say you that ?
- Are you goes in stuffed I tell yourself, have you forgets your rolling armchair again from across to the tavern !
It is three youngsters in the run of recre that tells themselves their positions :
The first - " Me, my father, he/it has a Ferrari that speeds along to 350 km/hs...
The second - " Yeah, and me, my father, he/it has a private throwing that speeds along to 900 km/hs, the foot...
The third - " Me, my father, he/it has a 2CV, he/it works in Post office, when he/it finished to 17h, he/it is to 16h30 " home.
A woman to his/her/its friend, " It is thanks to me that my husband became millionaire ". His/her/its friend : " And that he/it was before " ?. The woman : Multi-millionaire ".
It is a type that is in his/her/its bed with his/her/its trained bite under the quilt. His/her/its son between and watch the astonished bump :
what is " it that dad " ?
The father : is " Going to see your mother and say to him that the marquee is raises and that the representation is going to begin ".
The son takes down staircases and go up some minutes later :
") Mom said that the representation is annulled because the small clown has the nose that bleeds ".
That happens in a 747. The stewardess announces to passengers that the pilot is going to retire and that it is here about his/her/its last flight. Salvo of applause.
The commander of side takes the word and says :
- Ladies, Gentlemen for my last flight I would like to make that that, in thirty years of career I could never have made, a looping with this 747. For it I would like to have your agreement.
Passengers hit hands then and sing :
- The looping, the looping, the looping !
The commander of side, touched, get involved in the maneuver, the plane starts his/her/its circle and the looping succeeds. Passengers applaud then during five good minutes take :
- The looping, the looping, the looping !
The commander starts a new looping that succeeds. Third, then fourth looping still under applause of the crowd. Sudden a type comes out of closets and says :
- Say therefore, it is finished your craps not soon !
It is two colleagues of office. One of the two is indeed sad since several days. His/her/its colleague worries herself/itself of it and recommend him :
- You know, me in those cases, I don't look too much for the reason of the how and when I go in has the house I speed along on my woman and I make him the love until more thirst. You should try I assure you, with this method you will see life in rose has new. After several days during which the mine of the gloomy colleague improved of visible way, the colleague to the good advices comes to news :
- You I am on that you have applies my advices has see your mine all in full bloom...
- Oh yes, you had very reason ! But say therefore, you had me hides that how was beautiful at home !
A type falls of a precipice. He/it succeeds has cling has a branch and remain sticks in the emptiness he/it shouts :
- To the HELP ! To the HELP ! There-has someone ?
Then the sky tears itself, an immense light floods the earth and a made very powerful voice :
- Yes, I am the ! Don't have fear ! Loose this branch and let you fall, and you will go up with me to the Paradise !!!
Then the type shouts :
- There-has someone OF OTHER ???
Two buddies that were not seen themselves anymore since cross themselves a very long time in the street. Arthur asks to Louis for the profession that he exercises currently.
Louis : I am engineer of the logic.
Arthur : What is it ?
Louis : And well, it is simple. Do you have an aquarium home ?
Arthur : Yes.
Louis : If you have an aquarium, it means that you like fishes.
Arthur : Yes.
Louis : If you like fishes, you like animals.
A. : Yes.
L. : If you like animals, you like life.
A. : Yes.
L. : If you like life, you like women.
A. : Yes.
L. : If you like women, it means that are not you homosexual. Here, that's being engineer of the logic.
The two friends continue to speak of things and others, and leave themselves after some instants. Arthur continues his/her/its path and meeting another friend to whom he asks :
A. : Do you know this that that are you an engineer of the logic ?
B. : Bertrand : No, that what is ?
A. : Let's take an example, do you have an aquarium home ?
B. : No.
A. : Bah, are you then homosexual !
There are two guys in a montgolfiere. The first demand at second :
") Excuse me, are you able to tell me where we are " ? The second thinks a long time, a very long time before saying :
") Hey well, we are in a montgolfiere ".
") Thank you Mr. the mathematician ".
") But how know yourselves that I am mathematician " ?
") It is simple : for three reasons : The first, it is that you took a long time before giving me the answer, the second is that the answer was very precise, and the third is that the answer was perfectly useless ".
A madman comes down from his/her/its motorcycle to take gas. While the pompiste serves it, it scrapes himself/itself the head without removing his/her/its helmet.
Astonished the pompiste says it :
- Well you then, you you scrape the head without removing your helmet !
- And answer the madman then, when you you scrape the ass, do you remove your trousers maybe ?
It is Marie, Jesus' mother, who begins to worry for his/her/its son. He/it is already 29 years old, spend his/her/its time in the desert and doesn't have again ever lying with a girl. She/it organizes a meeting therefore with a named Marie, who turned around Jesus. All two find again in a piece. A quarter of hour happens in silence, when all of a sudden Marie comes out of the piece while howling like a damned.
Marie (his/her/its mother) demand to Jesus :
- That himself is does he/it pass ?
- I understand really not. One was discussing. Marie put his/her/its hand on my knee.
- Then ?
- Then, I made similar. Then, she/it slipped his/her/its hand the long of my thigh, and I made similar.
- And then ?
- Then, she/it put his/her/its hand on my sex, and I made similar. But there was not anything. The poor small... Then, I healed his/her/its injury...
7 - THE CLINTON JOKES
As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary request over the loudspeaker: "Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land ?"
- What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver ?
- A screwdriver turns in screws, Clinton screws interns.
- Did you hear that Clinton has announced there is a new national bird ?
- It's the spread eagle.
- A reporter asked Clinton one day : "Was Monica lying ?"
- Clinton responded by saying. "No, she was on her knees."
- Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am ?
- She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.
Dan Quayle, Frank Gifford and Bill Clinton were in a spelling contest. Unbelievably, Dan Quayle won ! He was the only one of the three who knew that 'harass' was one word.
- How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
- None, they are too busy screwing the President.
When women in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the President, 86% said "Not again."
Clinton's team of advisors have offered the following defense :
Clinton NEVER told Lewinsky to lie in disposition ! He told her to lie in THIS position...
- What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common ?
- They were both upset when Bill finished first.
- What is Bill's definition of safe sex ?
- When Hillary is out of town.
- What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic ?
- Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.
- Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East ?
- He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
8 - SOME BRIEF OF COUNTER
When a man opens the door of the car has his/her/its wife, of two things, : or the car is new or it is the woman.
The future belongs to those whose workers rise early.
In Corsica, y'a that wood and verses in cheese that work.
What imports this is not the depth has which one sins, but the way of which one agitates the worm.
To consider abortion like a criminal gesture comes back, if one pushes the reflection farther, has consider a branlette like a genocide...
In life, there are 3 ways of people : those that know how to count and those that don't know how to count.
Happy the student that as the river
Follows his/her/its course without coming out of his/her/its bed
Sharks never eat any lawyers; it is the professional courtesy.
Men who say that all women are frigid are bad tongues.